I was reading Jason's blog yesterday and ever since have been having trouble putting some ideas to rest.
Jason and I had talked briefly this past weekend about the state of our hearts. How we feel about the music we write, the people we are in front of, the convictions that God has placed in our hearts. Truth be told, after reading Jason's blog I feel pretty guilty that I didn't acknowledge the opportunity to dive deeper into the subject with him.
I've mentioned before that I'm what I guess most would call an accomplished musician. I've had a lot of great experiences and opportunities that are "above average"... but yet I spend an awful lot of time comparing myself to Jason, Joel, Andrew, Andy, Andy, Sara, Jill, etc.
Not so much putting them on a pedestal, but more so wishing that I could be a part of it all.
It seems so easy for me to see the purpose, passion and talent behind what they (and others) do... but not so easy to see it in myself.
I often wonder how God could have ingrained such a deep love of music and such an emotional tie to being a part of it into my very being... but only give me the abilities that I have.
I know it sounds like I'm angry at God about this, but rest assured... I'm not. Its more a deep longing to be useful. To understand at least a glimpse of why He created me the way He did.
Frankly, I'm often jealous when I hear how tight knit a group of musicians I respect have become. It seems I'm either in the wrong place at the wrong time, or that I'm just not the right type of person. I'm not cool enough. I'm not stylish enough. I'm not tall enough. I'm not short enough. I'm too fat. I'm too bald. I'm not witty enough. I don't command a stage... of course these are all things related to the world's standards.
As my wife would say, I'm in bondage to not being happy with who I am.
So... let me get back to Jason's blog. While a great deal of what Jason was saying was related to whether or not people understand and accept his music (not so much him as a person), I think it still brings to light that most musicians (especially Christians who are musicians) tend to have a poor self image either about themselves or their art. Strange, isn't it?
I sang about 30 seconds of a song for a friend on Sunday in front of Jason and all I could think about was what he thought. Not what I was singing. Not how privileged I was to be asked to sing for my friend. More or less I just sat there thinking "people with real talent know that I'm a joke". Jason didn't say anything negative. He didn't show negative body language... nothing to make me think that I did anything wrong. It is all just how I perceive it.
My wife talked with some of her friends about insecurities and they were all amazed at how insecure I am about things musical (ok... and many more things in life too), because when they see me they tend to see the same things that I see when I look at people like Andrew or Jason.
So where does that leave me? I'll tell you this much... my sincere prayer is that God would use me in spite of my insecurities. I pray that He would have a place to use my voice and my heart to reach people. I just don't feel that I can deny what I believe to be a call, but I have no idea how it is to manifest itself.
It is often a deep and dark struggle for me to wake up at 35 years of age and believe that God has something in store for me. Its a fight that often takes everything that I have in me.
As Jason talks about in his song "This Far", I cling to what I believe God is calling me toward even though I don't understand it.
"I don’t believe You brought me this far to give up
So everyday I keep on fighting for it
Show me again what I was made for
Help me to see
How You’re moving me"
So that's the bottom line. I'm insecure. God's done a lot to shake me up this year and still seems to be doing so... but I don't believe He brought me this far to give up. So everyday I keep on fighting for it.
I'm thankful for friends like Jason. Friends that understand the muse that is music and are honest enough with themselves to be real in front of people. To admit that we struggle. Believing that someday God will make it clear. Believing that we all have something to contribute. Continuing to try to hear that still small voice and act in obedience, while the world around us screams "you are nothing!"
In Him,
Jim
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3 comments:
... when they see me they tend to see the same things that I see when I look at people like Andrew or Jason ...
Isn't this the key? We often perceive others as having it more together than we do ourselves, when the truth is that they have the same struggles and issues that we do.
For instance, I know someone who is a fairly decent C++ programmer, but wishes that he was a better graphics artist and Web developer because of what he sees someone else able to do.
I'm reminded of John the Baptist, who Jesus said there was none greater, who had announced and introduced the Messiah, and who also had doubts and insecurities.
Moses didn't feel qualified to lead God's people.
Joseph's path to leadership and influence was through slavery and prison.
Gideon was the least of the least.
I wonder how often Satan attacked Peter with a line like this: "God can't count on you; remember how quickly you deserted him before?"
God often chooses the weak and insecure in order to do his work. Our part, as you've said, is to trust and obey...
I think you are more effective in you insecurities than you would be if you thought you had it all together. Be encouraged that though you have doubts of your abilities, I consider you one of the best guitarists I've seen live. Now the insecurities keep you humble, and if that doesn't work, I can remind you about the fat and balding part. ;)
Oh Jason... you are a funny, funny man. *grin*
Don't worry, I have a mirror and 4 kids that remind me about the fat and balding part.. haha
Jim
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