Well, I just returned from a quick trip up to Duluth, Minnesota to see my family and you know what? I really have nothing bad to say about the weekend.
Sure, there were a few bumps and the weather was a little on the cold/rainy side... but it was a chance to see some people and get away from the rest of life for a little while.
Everything started on a high note when I decided to email a friend (if he is ok with me calling him that) to see if there was any chance he could meet me for coffee on my way through the Twin Cities. This individual has been someone that I've respected greatly in the music industry and have been trying to get to know better over the past several years.
Much to my surprise, we were actually able to get together (he even drove an hour round-trip to make the meeting).
I'll be honest and say that it was very refreshing to sit and talk with this individual. Not only did he have a lot of positive things to share about how he and I relate to the music industry, but more importantly we were able to discuss quite a few spiritual things.
I think one of the most impressive thing was that as we ended the meeting (his daughters were having a High School Musical 2 party, so he had to get home), he asked what he could do to help me out. I have no reason to doubt his sincerity, so I have to tell you that it says a great deal about this individual's character.
Not to mention that it was my first visit to a Caribou Coffee shop... and they have awesome white chocolate hot chocolate!
Great way to start the weekend!
We got to Duluth after dinner that night and spent some time hanging out with family. Any concerns we had about things being "tense" (we hadn't been together as a family for over 3 years) quickly dissipated.
It was just a matter of minutes before we entered into the same routines as last time we visited. Jokes were made, card games were played, food was consumed.
My oldest brother-in-law Todd even challenged the majority of us to fußball. After several attempts at taking him down, I must humbly admit that he is indeed the champion.
I have to give a big hand to my wife... she was a huge example of servanthood throughout the weekend. She watched kids (9 cousins total!) while me, my brother and my two sisters goofed off, she put up with sharing a cramped single bed with my daughter for the three nights we were there and most importantly, she took some time to sit down and discuss some pretty deep and significant spiritual issues with one of my siblings.
This of course all came after taking the kids and walking around a scary mall while me and my friend met for coffee on the first day.
What can I say, I married an awesome lady.
So... now I'm back at my desk, facing what could be a busy and stressful week... but I am very thankful for this past weekend and the various parts of life that were touched by it.
So there you have it... I could go on and on... but I'll maybe save some of it for future posts!
In Him,
Jim
Monday, August 20, 2007
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
Mind, Matter And The Insecure Musician
I was reading Jason's blog yesterday and ever since have been having trouble putting some ideas to rest.
Jason and I had talked briefly this past weekend about the state of our hearts. How we feel about the music we write, the people we are in front of, the convictions that God has placed in our hearts. Truth be told, after reading Jason's blog I feel pretty guilty that I didn't acknowledge the opportunity to dive deeper into the subject with him.
I've mentioned before that I'm what I guess most would call an accomplished musician. I've had a lot of great experiences and opportunities that are "above average"... but yet I spend an awful lot of time comparing myself to Jason, Joel, Andrew, Andy, Andy, Sara, Jill, etc.
Not so much putting them on a pedestal, but more so wishing that I could be a part of it all.
It seems so easy for me to see the purpose, passion and talent behind what they (and others) do... but not so easy to see it in myself.
I often wonder how God could have ingrained such a deep love of music and such an emotional tie to being a part of it into my very being... but only give me the abilities that I have.
I know it sounds like I'm angry at God about this, but rest assured... I'm not. Its more a deep longing to be useful. To understand at least a glimpse of why He created me the way He did.
Frankly, I'm often jealous when I hear how tight knit a group of musicians I respect have become. It seems I'm either in the wrong place at the wrong time, or that I'm just not the right type of person. I'm not cool enough. I'm not stylish enough. I'm not tall enough. I'm not short enough. I'm too fat. I'm too bald. I'm not witty enough. I don't command a stage... of course these are all things related to the world's standards.
As my wife would say, I'm in bondage to not being happy with who I am.
So... let me get back to Jason's blog. While a great deal of what Jason was saying was related to whether or not people understand and accept his music (not so much him as a person), I think it still brings to light that most musicians (especially Christians who are musicians) tend to have a poor self image either about themselves or their art. Strange, isn't it?
I sang about 30 seconds of a song for a friend on Sunday in front of Jason and all I could think about was what he thought. Not what I was singing. Not how privileged I was to be asked to sing for my friend. More or less I just sat there thinking "people with real talent know that I'm a joke". Jason didn't say anything negative. He didn't show negative body language... nothing to make me think that I did anything wrong. It is all just how I perceive it.
My wife talked with some of her friends about insecurities and they were all amazed at how insecure I am about things musical (ok... and many more things in life too), because when they see me they tend to see the same things that I see when I look at people like Andrew or Jason.
So where does that leave me? I'll tell you this much... my sincere prayer is that God would use me in spite of my insecurities. I pray that He would have a place to use my voice and my heart to reach people. I just don't feel that I can deny what I believe to be a call, but I have no idea how it is to manifest itself.
It is often a deep and dark struggle for me to wake up at 35 years of age and believe that God has something in store for me. Its a fight that often takes everything that I have in me.
As Jason talks about in his song "This Far", I cling to what I believe God is calling me toward even though I don't understand it.
"I don’t believe You brought me this far to give up
So everyday I keep on fighting for it
Show me again what I was made for
Help me to see
How You’re moving me"
So that's the bottom line. I'm insecure. God's done a lot to shake me up this year and still seems to be doing so... but I don't believe He brought me this far to give up. So everyday I keep on fighting for it.
I'm thankful for friends like Jason. Friends that understand the muse that is music and are honest enough with themselves to be real in front of people. To admit that we struggle. Believing that someday God will make it clear. Believing that we all have something to contribute. Continuing to try to hear that still small voice and act in obedience, while the world around us screams "you are nothing!"
In Him,
Jim
Jason and I had talked briefly this past weekend about the state of our hearts. How we feel about the music we write, the people we are in front of, the convictions that God has placed in our hearts. Truth be told, after reading Jason's blog I feel pretty guilty that I didn't acknowledge the opportunity to dive deeper into the subject with him.
I've mentioned before that I'm what I guess most would call an accomplished musician. I've had a lot of great experiences and opportunities that are "above average"... but yet I spend an awful lot of time comparing myself to Jason, Joel, Andrew, Andy, Andy, Sara, Jill, etc.
Not so much putting them on a pedestal, but more so wishing that I could be a part of it all.
It seems so easy for me to see the purpose, passion and talent behind what they (and others) do... but not so easy to see it in myself.
I often wonder how God could have ingrained such a deep love of music and such an emotional tie to being a part of it into my very being... but only give me the abilities that I have.
I know it sounds like I'm angry at God about this, but rest assured... I'm not. Its more a deep longing to be useful. To understand at least a glimpse of why He created me the way He did.
Frankly, I'm often jealous when I hear how tight knit a group of musicians I respect have become. It seems I'm either in the wrong place at the wrong time, or that I'm just not the right type of person. I'm not cool enough. I'm not stylish enough. I'm not tall enough. I'm not short enough. I'm too fat. I'm too bald. I'm not witty enough. I don't command a stage... of course these are all things related to the world's standards.
As my wife would say, I'm in bondage to not being happy with who I am.
So... let me get back to Jason's blog. While a great deal of what Jason was saying was related to whether or not people understand and accept his music (not so much him as a person), I think it still brings to light that most musicians (especially Christians who are musicians) tend to have a poor self image either about themselves or their art. Strange, isn't it?
I sang about 30 seconds of a song for a friend on Sunday in front of Jason and all I could think about was what he thought. Not what I was singing. Not how privileged I was to be asked to sing for my friend. More or less I just sat there thinking "people with real talent know that I'm a joke". Jason didn't say anything negative. He didn't show negative body language... nothing to make me think that I did anything wrong. It is all just how I perceive it.
My wife talked with some of her friends about insecurities and they were all amazed at how insecure I am about things musical (ok... and many more things in life too), because when they see me they tend to see the same things that I see when I look at people like Andrew or Jason.
So where does that leave me? I'll tell you this much... my sincere prayer is that God would use me in spite of my insecurities. I pray that He would have a place to use my voice and my heart to reach people. I just don't feel that I can deny what I believe to be a call, but I have no idea how it is to manifest itself.
It is often a deep and dark struggle for me to wake up at 35 years of age and believe that God has something in store for me. Its a fight that often takes everything that I have in me.
As Jason talks about in his song "This Far", I cling to what I believe God is calling me toward even though I don't understand it.
"I don’t believe You brought me this far to give up
So everyday I keep on fighting for it
Show me again what I was made for
Help me to see
How You’re moving me"
So that's the bottom line. I'm insecure. God's done a lot to shake me up this year and still seems to be doing so... but I don't believe He brought me this far to give up. So everyday I keep on fighting for it.
I'm thankful for friends like Jason. Friends that understand the muse that is music and are honest enough with themselves to be real in front of people. To admit that we struggle. Believing that someday God will make it clear. Believing that we all have something to contribute. Continuing to try to hear that still small voice and act in obedience, while the world around us screams "you are nothing!"
In Him,
Jim
Monday, August 13, 2007
Does This Mean I've Lost Control?
This past weekend, my family was blessed with a chance to spend some time with a couple of friends from Minnesota. They came down to be a part of the "Connect!" service that I help organize at Cedar Valley Bible Church here in Cedar Rapids.
You see, Jason is a very talented musician and a gifted speaker... so we put him to work!
We ended the evening by going out to a local restaurant... Jason and his wife... and my whole family (all 4 kids included!). Do you feel sorry for the Minnesotans yet?
Jason and I ordered meatloaf. The ladies ordered soup and salad. I'm pretty sure there is some sort of stereotypical joke in there.
The point of this really isn't what we ate... the point is that they were gracious enough to endure hanging out with my kids.
Don't get me wrong, I love my kids dearly... but let me show you what I walked into this afternoon when I went downstairs from my office.
First, observe my second oldest, Reid:
In case you can't tell... that is a pillow on his head that is in the shape of a baseball glove. He removed the ball and decided his head should go in its place.
Let's move on to my daughter, Grace:
My wife, Ashley, has been teaching a couple classes on being a "princess" in God's eyes. Do you think Grace has latched on to that concept?
My oldest, Andersen, apparently doesn't rank high enough in the princess/baseball glove royalty line... so he was demoted to the role of the horse. Notice Grace's proper side-saddle position.
Ok... now for the creme de la creme. My youngest son, Griffin, has been spending the afternoon listening to a CD that Jason was kind enough to give us last night. I think he has spent a little too much time watching me play on stage because... well... this was his heart-felt response to Jason's CD. And yes... in case you couldn't tell, that is our living room coffee table!!
Yep... I've definitely lost control.
Jim
You see, Jason is a very talented musician and a gifted speaker... so we put him to work!
We ended the evening by going out to a local restaurant... Jason and his wife... and my whole family (all 4 kids included!). Do you feel sorry for the Minnesotans yet?
Jason and I ordered meatloaf. The ladies ordered soup and salad. I'm pretty sure there is some sort of stereotypical joke in there.
The point of this really isn't what we ate... the point is that they were gracious enough to endure hanging out with my kids.
Don't get me wrong, I love my kids dearly... but let me show you what I walked into this afternoon when I went downstairs from my office.
First, observe my second oldest, Reid:
In case you can't tell... that is a pillow on his head that is in the shape of a baseball glove. He removed the ball and decided his head should go in its place.
Let's move on to my daughter, Grace:
My wife, Ashley, has been teaching a couple classes on being a "princess" in God's eyes. Do you think Grace has latched on to that concept?
My oldest, Andersen, apparently doesn't rank high enough in the princess/baseball glove royalty line... so he was demoted to the role of the horse. Notice Grace's proper side-saddle position.
Ok... now for the creme de la creme. My youngest son, Griffin, has been spending the afternoon listening to a CD that Jason was kind enough to give us last night. I think he has spent a little too much time watching me play on stage because... well... this was his heart-felt response to Jason's CD. And yes... in case you couldn't tell, that is our living room coffee table!!
Yep... I've definitely lost control.
Jim
Saturday, August 11, 2007
When I Grow Up...
Wow... so it has really been over a month since I last wrote something here, eh? Sorry about that. I know my millions of readers are just sitting on the edge of their seat waiting to see what witty, deep and/or insightful river of intellect will spew from my mouth next. (Did that sound sarcastic enough? *grin*)
Truth be told, I have been insanely busy with work projects lately. The company that I work for (Laridian) has been working on some awesome new products and all of us at work have been swept up in the necessities surrounding the release of new products.
I just got home tonight (1:29 AM) from letting a musical friend of mine into my parent's house for the weekend. He's been out on the road and drove in from another state tonight to play at church tomorrow.
I tell you this because hanging out with other musicians always makes my mind start to wander. So here I was driving home from my parent's house tonight... out in the country, listening to a Jill Phillips CD in the van... wondering and asking the same question that 14 year olds ask... "What do I want to be when I grow up?"
Have you ever noticed how life tends to complicate that question? The older we get, the more we tend to answer that question with simplified comments related to work and family and such. The more (at least in my case) we make excuses about how we could never do such and such.
As I mentioned in my last post (a month ago)... some things in life have really kind of shaken my thinking. They have really made me go back to the root of the question and then expand on it a little. "What does GOD want me to be AS I grow up?"
In my particular case, if I'm totally honest, I'd say that I struggle with where I think God wants me to be with whether or not I think I have any talents in that area. My lack of talent makes me fearful of taking any risks in certain areas... even if I think God wants me to trust Him.
So... it takes me back to my drive out on the country road tonight... What do I want to be when I grow up? I could list things like "a programmer" or "a musician"... but I think my answer is more along the lines of this: "obedient", "willing", "trusting"... you get the idea.
I'm not there yet. Not even close. Life has cause me so much panic lately that its just revealed to me more and more how much more I need to grow up. How much more I need to seek Him.
What do you think? Look at your life right now... would you be willing to take a step in a totally different direction?
In Him,
Jim
Truth be told, I have been insanely busy with work projects lately. The company that I work for (Laridian) has been working on some awesome new products and all of us at work have been swept up in the necessities surrounding the release of new products.
I just got home tonight (1:29 AM) from letting a musical friend of mine into my parent's house for the weekend. He's been out on the road and drove in from another state tonight to play at church tomorrow.
I tell you this because hanging out with other musicians always makes my mind start to wander. So here I was driving home from my parent's house tonight... out in the country, listening to a Jill Phillips CD in the van... wondering and asking the same question that 14 year olds ask... "What do I want to be when I grow up?"
Have you ever noticed how life tends to complicate that question? The older we get, the more we tend to answer that question with simplified comments related to work and family and such. The more (at least in my case) we make excuses about how we could never do such and such.
As I mentioned in my last post (a month ago)... some things in life have really kind of shaken my thinking. They have really made me go back to the root of the question and then expand on it a little. "What does GOD want me to be AS I grow up?"
In my particular case, if I'm totally honest, I'd say that I struggle with where I think God wants me to be with whether or not I think I have any talents in that area. My lack of talent makes me fearful of taking any risks in certain areas... even if I think God wants me to trust Him.
So... it takes me back to my drive out on the country road tonight... What do I want to be when I grow up? I could list things like "a programmer" or "a musician"... but I think my answer is more along the lines of this: "obedient", "willing", "trusting"... you get the idea.
I'm not there yet. Not even close. Life has cause me so much panic lately that its just revealed to me more and more how much more I need to grow up. How much more I need to seek Him.
What do you think? Look at your life right now... would you be willing to take a step in a totally different direction?
In Him,
Jim
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